A Lighter View …Florida…it’s a state of mind

A Lighter View …Florida…it’s a state of mind

By Karen M. Morris, Freelance Writer

I like to think of “being confused” as a state of mind, kind of like Florida … I know where it is and I’ve been there often. In fact, I live in a nation filled with confused individuals just like me. How else can you explain a country whose citizens require the phrase…. “Caution: Do not use orally” stamped on their toilet bowl brushes?

To prove my point, who can honestly say they haven’t had one of these experiences?…

You call a friend on the phone and when they answer, your mind goes blank, so you quickly hang up. On the fourth attempt, you remember they have caller ID.

You’re in a hurry and need to use the restroom. You answer nature’s call and come bustling out of the bathroom with your skirt tucked into your panty hose … everyone’s laughing, and you think they’re just a fun crowd to work with.

You’re at a restaurant and notice a dish of whipped cream on your table. After putting several dollops of it into your coffee, you realize it’s butter. Your latte is now a fattee.

You walk into a room to get something and then stand there bewildered. Brain fog has set in, so you leave empty-handed and clueless. That night, you wake up out of a sound sleep shouting “rubber bands”.

Directionally challenged, you leave the mall out a different door than you entered. The lot is filled with cars exactly like yours … minivans with hitches and bumper stickers that say “Proud parent of an honor student.” When you find your car and try to unlock it, the alarm goes off. That’s when you realize the interior of this vehicle is cleaner than yours. This isn’t your van, and you’re definitely not an honor student.

You buy some Jockey underwear and send in a rebate coupon. When the company fails to send you your money after three months, you write them a scathing letter demanding to be reimbursed and an apology. You get a letter back refusing your request … from the people at Hanes underwear.

You go to the grocery store for milk and come home $150 later without the milk. It’s because … you forgot the list at home, the list blew out the car window, or you used the list to get rid of your gum. Worst case scenario … you mailed the list to the gas company with the payment.

After successfully purchasing your groceries, you speed away without picking them up at the drive through. It’s not till someone asks, “Where’s the ice cream you bought?” that you suddenly recall last seeing your groceries abandoned near a group of bag boys.

You leave the house and don’t notice you’re wearing two different shoes. Fortunately, they’re both navy. Unfortunately, one is a pump and the other is a tennis shoe.

You have trouble with glass doors. One day, you’re seen repeatedly ramming one with your body. On the third try, someone yells at you, “It’s a manually operated door, you moron, not an automatic.”

You go to a public pool with your spouse. You’re extremely near-sighted but decide to leave your glasses in the locker room. Strutting poolside, you walk up to your honey and say, “Hey, sexy, how’d you like to have some of this?” Your husband walks up behind you and asks whom you’re talking to.

After attending a class on leadership skills, you go shopping. Everyone at the mall seems to know you and even calls you by name. You think it’s because of the confidence you’re displaying from the leadership seminar…but, it’s actually the gigantic, “Hello My Name Is Karen Morris” sticker on your chest.

When you write checks, you not only put down the wrong day, but the month and year are wrong, too.

You’re considered a celebrity at the gas station. You’re the urban legend who tried to drive away while still connected to the fuel hose, and then in a panic, backed up and drove over said fuel hose, repeatedly. You’ve also tried to pay for your gas with a library card and you write all your checks with made-up dates.

You make deviled eggs for the church pot-luck. On your way to the dinner, you notice several drivers pointing at you. Feeling threatened, you gun the engine and race off…causing the eggs on the roof of your car to fly across three lanes of traffic, and you egg a funeral procession.

You can’t remember your pin number, password, or children’s names, so you resort to just making up random numbers and calling everybody “Hey”. By 8 a.m., you’ve run six errands in the car. By 9 a.m., you’re still in the car and have no idea where you’re going … which is okay if you’re a nomad…or going to Florida. Did I mention I’ve been to Florida a lot?

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