A Lighter View …Florida its a state of mind
By Karen M. Morris, Freelance Writer
I like to think of being confused as a state of mind, kind of like Florida I know where it is and Ive been there often. In fact, I live in a nation filled with confused individuals just like me. How else can you explain a country whose citizens require the phrase . Caution: Do not use orally stamped on their toilet bowl brushes?
To prove my point, who can honestly say they havent had one of these experiences?…
You call a friend on the phone and when they answer, your mind goes blank, so you quickly hang up. On the fourth attempt, you remember they have caller ID.
Youre in a hurry and need to use the restroom. You answer natures call and come bustling out of the bathroom with your skirt tucked into your panty hose everyones laughing, and you think theyre just a fun crowd to work with.
Youre at a restaurant and notice a dish of whipped cream on your table. After putting several dollops of it into your coffee, you realize its butter. Your latte is now a fattee.
You walk into a room to get something and then stand there bewildered. Brain fog has set in, so you leave empty-handed and clueless. That night, you wake up out of a sound sleep shouting rubber bands.
Directionally challenged, you leave the mall out a different door than you entered. The lot is filled with cars exactly like yours minivans with hitches and bumper stickers that say Proud parent of an honor student. When you find your car and try to unlock it, the alarm goes off. Thats when you realize the interior of this vehicle is cleaner than yours. This isnt your van, and youre definitely not an honor student.
You buy some Jockey underwear and send in a rebate coupon. When the company fails to send you your money after three months, you write them a scathing letter demanding to be reimbursed and an apology. You get a letter back refusing your request from the people at Hanes underwear.
You go to the grocery store for milk and come home $150 later without the milk. Its because you forgot the list at home, the list blew out the car window, or you used the list to get rid of your gum. Worst case scenario you mailed the list to the gas company with the payment.
After successfully purchasing your groceries, you speed away without picking them up at the drive through. Its not till someone asks, Wheres the ice cream you bought? that you suddenly recall last seeing your groceries abandoned near a group of bag boys.
You leave the house and dont notice youre wearing two different shoes. Fortunately, theyre both navy. Unfortunately, one is a pump and the other is a tennis shoe.
You have trouble with glass doors. One day, youre seen repeatedly ramming one with your body. On the third try, someone yells at you, Its a manually operated door, you moron, not an automatic.
You go to a public pool with your spouse. Youre extremely near-sighted but decide to leave your glasses in the locker room. Strutting poolside, you walk up to your honey and say, Hey, sexy, howd you like to have some of this? Your husband walks up behind you and asks whom youre talking to.
After attending a class on leadership skills, you go shopping. Everyone at the mall seems to know you and even calls you by name. You think its because of the confidence youre displaying from the leadership seminar but, its actually the gigantic, Hello My Name Is Karen Morris sticker on your chest.
When you write checks, you not only put down the wrong day, but the month and year are wrong, too.
Youre considered a celebrity at the gas station. Youre the urban legend who tried to drive away while still connected to the fuel hose, and then in a panic, backed up and drove over said fuel hose, repeatedly. Youve also tried to pay for your gas with a library card and you write all your checks with made-up dates.
You make deviled eggs for the church pot-luck. On your way to the dinner, you notice several drivers pointing at you. Feeling threatened, you gun the engine and race off causing the eggs on the roof of your car to fly across three lanes of traffic, and you egg a funeral procession.
You cant remember your pin number, password, or childrens names, so you resort to just making up random numbers and calling everybody Hey. By 8 a.m., youve run six errands in the car. By 9 a.m., youre still in the car and have no idea where youre going which is okay if youre a nomad or going to Florida. Did I mention Ive been to Florida a lot?