A Lighter View…The Christmas letter

A Lighter View…The Christmas letter

By Karen Morris

By Karen M. Morris

Freelance Writer

Ever get one of those generic holiday letters from somebody you haven’t seen since third grade? You know the kind–filled with flagrant, bragging, questionable achievements (“I taught the Pope to whistle”) and an occasional haiku. Just once, I’d like to rock their world…


Can’t believe it’s already December 2000 and I’m just getting last year’s Christmas letter out to you. Sorry this is so late, but your address somehow fell under the sump pump cover. We discovered it when our Hamster, Mr. BoBo, fell in. Unfortunately, we didn’t find our beloved BoBo in time; we found you instead. So, here’s the Morris’ “1999 Collective Recollections And Profiles”.

Wayne made top salesman at the sewage plant–everyone else quit. He makes over six figures…counting decimal points. Poor dear had an accident with the car: it rolled off the blocks and disappeared in the lawn. He started hallucinating from the mishap, and began cheering for the Chicago Bears. I rushed him to the hospital at half-time, where he underwent an emergency hemorrhoidectomy.

He’s now, hopelessly, web-chair intolerant. If I’d known what the operation was going to cost, I’d have performed it myself, like I did on our cat, Mr. Sad Sacks.

For vacation, we planned on going to Chicago again and catching fly balls outside Wrigley Field. But Wayne won a bonus for selling so much product–resort property next to the plant. We plan to build as soon as the land is officially off the E.P.A. “Watch List”.

Our oldest boy, Leo, was unanimously chosen by his teachers as class clown. He won three weeks’ detention. He didn’t flunk anything this year, and we couldn’t be prouder. It’s not easy maintaining such high marks when you’re the U.S ambassador to Idaho, inventor of Pokey-guy and trying to win all of Florida’s electoral votes.

He wrote his autobiography for the school paper, entitled “My life as the Dalai Lama”. Complete strangers called to share their sentiments, and others just swore at us and hung up. The principal sent a registered letter to inform us that if Leo keeps up his present course, he has a good chance of going to the “Big House”. He recommended Attica, Sing Sing or Devil’s Island, but I’m waiting to see which gives the best scholarship.

Our daughter got married in September. You remember she was dating Brad Pitt? Well, she didn’t want to be known simply as Brad Pitt’s wife, so she married a local boy. His name is Armour Pitt. Hope this one lasts–fifth time’s the charm. They both have high-pressure jobs in Chicago that require a great deal of travel. They’re on the subway sometimes up to 10 hours a day–panhandling.

Morry, Jr. is the sixth-grade star basketball player. He had a real growth spurt when he turned 19. He models as a “BEFORE” patient at the dermatology clinic, and works at the blood bank as a professional donor. Morry, Jr. is training on the air horn under the celebrated Ven Tilate but not as much as he’d like because the restraining order really limits Jr.

Morry is going through a rebellious period. We refused to let him get his tongue pierced, so he wears a clip-on. He spends his free time on the computer in chat rooms…alone. When we caught him spamming himself, he broke down and said he was the world’s dumbest kid. We reassured him he wasn’t–Leo was.

I was fired from the TV show World’s Most Amazing Catastrophes. I played the part of “senseless victim” and got caught waving at the viewers. But I’m still active on the rodeo circuit and continue to pursue my true passion of stripping. I’ve done it for all the neighbors; my specialty is mahogany cabinet restoration.

Grandpa is on tour with Circus Minimus as the missing link. Grandma’s having a difficult time in his absence and is in rehab for smoking Ben Gay. Hope she does as well as she did when we shipped her off to anger therapy last year when she discovered Grandpa was arrested for performing lewd acts with a butterfly ballet in Palm Beach.

On a sad note, we lost Gwendolyn. She was old, but this came as a complete shock. She slipped away in the night and ran off with the neighbor’s chihuahua, Charlie. Haven’t seen her since. Got a new dog–a dalmatian named Sammy. Still working on getting the grease spots off him.

Wanted to send a picture, but no one knows how to work the one-step camera. So, we enclosed a hand drawing of Bubba’s surgery that Grandma made in rehab.

Thanks for the offer to come and see you. Put us down for June-August. We’re bringing Grandma, along with both the Arm Pitts. Morry Jr. is eager to test out your new jet skis. And Leo can’t wait to meet your teenage daughters.

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