Austin Powerchair rides again
By Rod Myers, Naturalist
November 30th was Austin Powers Night at the Rockford Lightning basketball game, and that meant a MetroCentre visit by impersonator Airwaves Dave as Austin Powers, that international man of intrigue. His visit inspired a visit by yours truly as Austin Powerchair, that in-your-county man of inaccessibleness. Austin Powerchair took the head off his look-alike ventriloquist dummy and put a sign on its cheek that read, Mini Me. Then Austin Pc drew up a psychedelic poster that emblazoned his name.
When A. Powerchair arrived at the MetroCentre, Austin P. was working the lines of fans waiting for the inner doors to open. I cut in line to get at A.P., who was at the moment ad-libbing. Hey, Austin, I said. Look at Mini Me, as I waved the dummy head around. Some of the people laughed; others stared with saucer eyes. Airwaves Dave smiled for an instant, then he proclaimed in a British accent, Look, hes beside himself. Many laughed at his remark while some of the saucer eyes turned into mother ships.
Then I handed A.P. my poster with tape and made him secure it to the back of my wheelchair. After that, I asked him to read what the poster said aloud. Austin Powerchoir, he said.
No, no, I said. Thats Powerchair, you Brittiot. (A Brittiot is a British idiot.) I asked the fans if the spelling was clear, and they agreed it clearly spelled Powerchair; old A.P. was playing his game.
My turnHey, Mr. Powers, wheres your old girlfriend Felicity? (i.e., Phallicity) I asked. He quickly replied, Shes out on an assignment.
I shot back, Is there any accessibility to Phallicitys sexuality? Oh, move on, baby! laughed A.P.
It wasnt long before we were all courtside. I was near the basket on the east end of the building. Austin Powers was all over the place. He wasnt hard to spot with that mod outfit on. He looked remarkably like the genuine article, which is basically just a nerd thats way too happy and hung up on himself.
Airwaves Dave was hooked up to the house speaker system so everyone could hear, Yeah, Baby whenever he wished. He also had a psychedelic megaphone so he could work small areas of the stands ad-libbing and asking Austin Powers trivia questions.
Austin had to walk by me to get to the other side of the court, which he did often, and thats when I hit him with the wheel wit.
A. Pc: Hey, Austin!
A.P.: Yeah, baby.
A. Pc: Youve been to Japan. Have you ever met my disabled Japanese cousin? His name is U Kin Help Mee.
A.P.: Oh, be-have, baby!
Next time he passed by:
A. Pc: Hey, Austin, did you ever meet my other disabled Japanese cousin? Her name is U Kin Pray For Mee.
Austin Powers was having a rough time with some Guilford students, though they were well versed in A.P. trivia. One student walked down the aisle and smacked Austins rear end. Thats when I went over to A.P. Look, I said. Im a Guilford grad, and theres one thing Guilford students hate to be called, and thats guppies.
So A.P. called them a bunch of grooveless, anti-shag guppies. Instantly, the students applauded and cheered. Boy, Guilford students are a bit different these days.
A.P. quickly hit them with another trivia question. What is Austin Powers favorite movie? Instantly, a Guilford student yelled, In Like Flint!
Right on, baby! said A.P.
The next time A.P. walked by, I asked him to guess what Austin Powerchairs favorite movie is. No, tell me, he said.
Inaccessible Like Flint, Michigan, I said.
Rod Myers is a local resident with an interest in the environment and disability issues. He has an associates degree in science and a bachelors in fine arts. Rod is a member of the Audubon Society, the Wild Ones Natural Landscapers and Rockford Amateur Astronomers, Inc.