Guest Column: Your government at work for you

Guest Column: Your government at work for you

By Martin Hippie

Attention, all free and prosperous citizens of the grand and glorious United States of America, this is your government speaking.

For the duration of the War on Terror (which will be endless), we are announcing the following new rules and suggestions for all patriotic citizens to follow. We know that during these confusing and frightening times, you want a strong and forceful government to protect you, and you are advised to cooperate. Resistance is un-patriotic and potentially criminal, so listen up.

First, assume you are being watched. Your phone may be tapped, your Internet activities monitored, and your house searched and bugged, all without a warrant or your knowledge. This is so the government can spy on terrorists, which, according to new legal definitions, includes just about anyone who disagrees with government policy.

To protect our freedom and preserve our God-given way of life, some additional civil rights may be terminated. You still have a right to an attorney and a trial, but we can monitor your private conversations with your lawyer, and your trial may be a secret military tribunal. We may also simply detain you, without charge and incommunicado, as long as we feel you are a threat to national security.

You still have the right to free speech and to peaceably assemble, as long as you acquire the necessary permits and insurance and stay within the boundaries defined by the proper authorities. And if we really don’t like what you’re saying, we’ll shut you down. Be advised that your attendance at such gatherings will be recorded, your facial characteristics captured, and your name and information collected. A file will be created for you in our computers for future reference. We know who you are, where you’ve been, and what you’ve been doing. If it doesn’t serve the war effort or if it offends the government, you can expect a visit from one of our agents.

There will be some necessary economic sacrifices in order to pay for the machinery of war, so don’t expect universal health care or better roads and schools anytime soon. Since we need cheap energy to run the war machine and keep an unsustainable economy artificially propped-up, protecting the environment will no longer be a significant priority. All non-renewable resources must be exploited as quickly as possible, regardless of the damage to the environment or cost to future generations. War ain’t cheap.

In an effort to maintain the proper national state of mind to wage a prolonged war, you will be subjected to misleading news reports, shallow propaganda, and blatant lies designed to stimulate fear of an enemy and increase cooperation with your government. You are encouraged to suspect your neighbors, especially the ones with darker skin and strange accents. You should seek out media and entertainment portraying war in a glorious manner, where the good guys (the United States) beat the bad guys (the terrorists, especially fanatical Muslims). Actual news footage of the real war, the bombed-out homes and broken bleeding bodies, will not be shown.

Remember, during this time of perpetual crisis, you must trust your government and remain unquestioningly patriotic. Your duty, as a free citizen of the United States of America, is to obey the laws, get a job, and blindly consume trinkets, gadgets, processed food goo, and other useless crap you see advertised on TV.

Above all, remain in deep denial about the world in which you live.

We hope we can count on your cooperation in the implementation of these new Homeland Security rules, and for supporting the War on Terror. We will know if you don’t.

Martin Hippie is a freelance writer and shopkeeper who lives with his wife and two children on a 10-acre homestead in Jo Daviess County.

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