MTV coming to Rockford

MTV, a.k.a. Myers Television, is coming to Rockford to film an hour episode of its show Numb Gluteus Maximus, a parody of the real MTV’s hit show, Jackass. Myers Television’s show Numb Gluteus Maximus is just like Jackass, but it uses disabled people in its show, flirting with injury instead of able-bodied people.

“Hell, Jackass uses a skull and crutches as the show emblem; that’s an open invitation to use the genuine article,” said Izzy Able, Numb Gluteus Maximus’s producer. Even Numb Gluteus Maximus’s theme song, “Wheel me to Immediate Care,” was written and performed by a nursing home garage band called 38 Very Special.

The filming schedule goes as follows: Aug. 20—Quadriplegic woman on osteoporosis medicine goes over five speed bumps on Roxbury Avenue in her electric wheelchair at 2.8 miles per hour—ouch! Aug. 21—Five disabled adults in wheelchairs seek access and alcohol at the inaccessible Verdi Club. To be shot at Verdi Hall. Aug. 22—Guest star quadriplegic Christopher Reeve has someone dress him in his Clark Kent outfit and with the courage of Superman tries to get in the narrow front door of The Rock River Times. Location: The Rock River Times office. Aug. 23—Four severely disabled women are hired to put a new roof on an older home at 133 N. Horsman St. Things should go smoothly till someone on the filming staff calls the roofers union! Our girls may have the advantage, though, because they have staple guns. Aug. 29—Location: Burpee Museum. Very special guest Stevie Wonder is sent to the Burpee Museum of Natural History to clean two very fragile Jane bones. Things should go real cool till we give the Museum’s curator, a call; then the sandstone could hit the fan when the curator finds out Stevie’s unsupervised!

But wait! What’s this? The crystal ball sees a big donation for the Jane Fund from Stevie. Well, now, that’s more like it! Dinner reservations for Stevie at Octane InterLounge—that’s Dino…mite! Aug. 25, 26, 27—Eight disabled athletes try to travel from East State Street and Alpine to Showplace 16 Cineplex beyond East State and Lyford Road in their racing wheelchairs. The entire stretch has no sidewalks. Aug. 28—Fifteen disabled men dressed like the mayor will compete in the Doug Scott Passed Out Contest. First one to flip over in his wheelchair and be authentically unconscious will win a date with one of ex-Mayor Charles Box’s ex-girlfriends. Location: Outside somewhere near cement.

Aug. 29—Thirty brawny gimps fight each other over five On the Waterfront buttons that are less than $100 apiece! Location: City Hall. Aug. 30—Rockford Wheelathon 2. It’s the second biggest money-making wheelathon this year, but this time the Rockford Chariots basketball team gets to fight non-Chariot B-ball-playing RAMP employees for their fair share of the kitty. Film location: Rock River bike path. Aug. 31—Miss Rockford Wheelchair Pageant – Twenty beauties go for the gold, but this contest is rigged. We hope the gloves come off and the fists fly when an able-bodied cross dresser wins the crown. Location: Goodwill store, East State Street.

Sept 1—Last segment. Location: Storefront Cinema. We’ll be filming the grimaces on faces of the theater audience as they watch stock footage of Alderman Dave Johnson and the late actor James Coburn thumb wrestle with their arthritic hands.

Myers Television is a Yolks on You production.

Rod Myers is a local resident with an interest in the environment and disability issues. He has an associate’s degree in science and a bachelor’s in fine arts. Rod is a member of the Audubon Society, the Wild Ones Natural Landscapers and Rockford Amateur Astronomers, Inc.

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