What if Santa had a spinal cord injury?

If Santa Claus was severely disabled because of an injury, how would things change, and how would the United States government handle it? Read my story to find out.

If you haven’t heard by now, it’s probably too late to make your home accessible because Santa is coming to town in a wheelchair in less than two days. On Dec. 1, Santa held a press conference at the Tundra Physical Rehabilitation Center to announce that he had become severely disabled when he was kicked by a mechanical deer while consulting for a yet-to-be-released movie that stars Tim Allen.

The Santa press conference was broadcast around the world to an estimated audience of 1 billion. During the conference, Santa made it clear he would visit only the homes that were wheelchair-accessible or had roll-in chimneys with a fireproof elevator.

“The ramps leading to a 36-inch wide house entrance must be up to code and free of slippery material and sleeping substance abusers,” said Santa. “Ramp cluttering party-goers will be dealt with by 32 sickle-sharp hooves. This disability has been very trying for me, and a bad night of Christmas Eve gift giving could make me snap. Oh, I’m quite fond of the movie Silent Night, Deadly Night and all its sequels. I was a consultant to each of those classic thrillers.”

Yes, people, it looks like Santa may have an abusive side. But wait, those are not Santa’s quotes.

The Rock River Times has learned that a special branch of our government made those quotes up to discredit Santa. And get this, our government is doing more than falsifying Santa quotes.

Shortly after Rush Limbaugh went into drug rehab, President George Bush ordered Attorney General John Ashcroft to assign special agents to shadow Santa. This move made it impossible for the red-clad gift-giving gimp to doctor shop. Doctor shopping is illegal, but it is something Santa felt he had to do this year to fill his sacks with medications because he’s going all out to give what those special kids need who live in the wheelchair-accessible houses he plans to visit.

Santa hadn’t done that in past years, but this year his eyes have been opened because of his own disability. Luckily, though, Santa has counter-moved the clandestine actions of the Justice Department by setting up a pharmaceutical lab smack dab in the middle of his huge toy shop complex.

“Little hands make better pills!” said Santa. “Recently, 16 of my elves zipped through the curriculum like magic at the Northern Ptarmigan Pharmaceutical College, and guess what? It’s all legal. I wouldn’t have built that lab if Ashcroft hadn’t closed the door of mercy on me.”

In yet another suspicious move, a U.S. Senate subcommittee formed to study financial problems facing America’s elderly recently sent warnings to the White House concerning Santa’s yearly Christmas Eve gift-giving trip.

“We on the committee feel that Santa’s ‘coming of age’ in regard to wanting to fill the prescription needs of disabled children around the world will spill over to disabled adults and the disabled elderly,” said Tom Dashes Through The Snow, a senator of Native American descent representing one of those northern states. “We warned President Bush that Santa’s liberal generosity would not only hurt the American drug companies, but it would beyond a doubt turn Santa Claus into a crazed drug czar. This would come about because Santa plans to give much-needed medication to accessibly-housed disabled adults and accessibly-housed seniors. No, Santa hasn’t said he would do that, but we don’t trust him.

“Mr. Claus will visit the homes of disabled adults and seniors, and he’ll find that a low percentage of last-minute residential changes and fatalities have occurred,” Dashes added. “Well, the drug surplus from these last-minute changes will give Santa a huge take-back-home drug cash. What happens then? Well, Santa sells, or worse yet, gives the drug cash away to needy patients around the world. Too much giving is no good for big business.”

Well, there you have it; our conservative government has even painted a liberal, giving Santa as the Devil. This country’s gone straight to hell in three years. I even heard the Fox News network plans to air Silent Night, Deadly Night on Christmas Eve. Merry Christmas.

Rod Myers is a local resident with an interest in the environment and disability issues. He has an associate’s degree in science and a bachelor’s in fine arts. Rod is a member of the Audubon Society, the Wild Ones Natural Landscapers and Rockford Amateur Astronomers, Inc.

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