Writer's Garret: A story to tickle the funny bone

This week, The Rock River Times presents a humorous story from local writer Lori Fitzgerald.

“Natural beauty secrets from the Midwest”

By Lori Fitzgerald

I’m not exactly the natural beauty type. I usually roll out of bed, plod into the bathroom, splash water on my face and apply lipstick. Lipstick is like coffee for me; I need it to function and feel human. I DO use egg whites on my face for a mask. Egg whites or egg yolks—makes no difference except that the latter gives me a temporarily jaundiced look. This is convenient if I’m thinking about calling in sick that week. The egg tightens my skin, shrinks my pores and keeps me from being either happy or depressed, as I am incapable of moving my features once it is applied. Nature’s own short-term Prozac. Good for both complexion and emotional well-being.

Peanut butter makes my hands incredibly soft. I’m not sure if peanut butter is considered natural. I know some brands are healthier than others. I used a non-healthy generic brand to make bird feeders with my sixth grade class. We rolled pinecones in peanut butter and sprinkled them with birdseed. I don’t make bird feeders all that often. To be honest, I only made them once. But my hands were unbelievably soft for a week. So if someone wanted great hands for a wedding or to accept an Oscar or something, they could make bird feeders with peanut butter (26 of them) a few days beforehand.

The best natural ingredient and the cheapest that I use is rainwater. Whenever it rains, I find excuses to go outside, hatless. My hair is wonderfully soft after it dries. But you have to wait for it to rain. This would work well for people living, say, in Seattle. It would not be as effective for those living either in Phoenix or Taos. Where I live, in the Midwest, the weather is pretty much a crapshoot. So it’s not like I can plan this lovely, free hair conditioning in advance. God wills it. And I have to use common sense. The other night it rained, but it was only 30 degrees. Going outside for whatever reason I concocted wouldn’t have been a good idea. I’d have great hair and pneumonia.

In high school, I tried rinsing my hair in beer. The next day I stunk like a brewery. Never mind that I washed it a dozen times after using the beer. I was sent to the principal’s office and made to walk a straight line, after which he called my father at work, who admitted giving me part of a beer for a “science experiment.”

“Health is Science,” I said, “as in Health and Beauty.”

The following week I tried rinsing my hair in milk. I swear to God I read about doing this stuff in Seventeen magazine. I furiously washed my hair afterward, but somehow the milk soured during the night, and I smelled SO BAD the next day, I begged my mother to let me stay home. But she sent me to school anyway because she was sick and tired of all my “science experiments,” especially the yogurt I grew on the kitchen counter. I did not get sent to the principal’s office that day, but I was shunned in the cafeteria and forced to eat my lunch alone.

So this is my conclusion: NEVER RINSE YOUR HAIR IN EITHER MILK OR BEER, NO MATTER WHAT YOU READ IN MAGAZINES!! On the other hand, it’s OK to have a little egg on your face once in a while. And forget all those people who tell you to come in out of the rain. Oh yeah, today’s lipstick has UV protection, so even if it isn’t natural, it’s healthy.

Enjoy The Rock River Times? Help spread the word!