Yoga Rockford: Continuous grace

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As I have practiced and taught yoga, I have frequently become overwhelmed with “this feeling” that really is beyond feeling; unexplainable and indescribable, originating somewhere far beyond my own being and from the realm of all creation, but similar to the great awe and wonder of the world that we carry as children. The teachings of yoga are vast and endless and bring as many questions as they do answers, but that is really the fun of it. “Know thyself” always begins with “question thyself,” and this is the true yoga challenge, the challenge of union with the self.

So please forgive the blundering words and the gap that will always remain between the experience and the explanation. If my heart could speak directly, it would say—nothing, beaming, smiling, shining—words get in the way, but as humans, we try anyway.

I sit before my computer in hopes that the words will come to me to describe the feelings that have been flowing through today. I want to share them because I believe that they are the feelings of yoga, the feelings of true grace. How to even begin. It won’t make sense, won’t sound right. I am constantly caught in the middle of feelings and words, unable to put them together. Is this true love, willing the body to work through the heart no matter the sad state of outcome, fumbling fingers, fumbling tongue, never easy, but necessary?

How many gifts have been given to me through this great practice…uncountable. How much grace within each one of us, unknowable. The agony and exaltation, the sanity and insanity, more real than any reality we see. But it is there, the thing that makes us be. What is it, why is it, who do I call to thank, what do I bow to, what do I pray to?

In this great connection, everything is me, and I am everything. I feel the pain and relief of death and the joy and suffering of life, but does that make me? Who am I? Not “Jennie,” just a name placed on a body to work with and play with, ultimately use and let go of…but that isn’t ME. Again, who am I, the being, the being-ness, the conscious, the conscious-ness, the love I want to share, the love I want to give, the explosion of thanks and gratefulness, the continuous grace?

I feel I will never be able to give all I have, try, try, try as I might. In every moment I burst, needing release and relief, an infinite in a finite space. Ever-flowing, ever-knowing, ever-growing, continuous grace.

from the Aug 1-7, 2007, issue

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